'Incredible Malaysia' – A satire

A SATIRE IN Bolehland, furious preparations are being made to market Malaysia as the most Incredible Nation in the world.

"Incredible Malaysia" is the new tagline from Tourism Malaysia. For once, the powers that be at the ministry have got it right. We beat many countries for sheer audacity of our politicians, the scandalous nature of our justice and our melodramatic religious disagreements. The tourists have tired of our multicultural food, places of worship, beaches, cool highlands, and even our renowned Genting casino.

Once upon a time, our Petronas Twin Tower was the tallest building in the world. Now, sadly no longer, outshone by one country after another bent on putting us down, literally. Our "astronaut-eating-roti-canai-in-space" stunt no longer hogs the headlines.

Beyonce (right) failed to reach our shores but instead had gone on "cavorting sexily" in China and thereafter to several Grammy awards. Another win for Muslim extremists who protested her show in Malaysia.

Although international arrivals have breached the 22 million mark in 2009 and is expected to rise by five per cent for year 2010, there is still a pressing need to introduce new attractions for fear that our neighbours might come up with even newer and better ones. Case in point – Singapore's newly-opened Genting casino. Not surprisingly, the powers that be at the Tourism Ministry had earlier deemed it a matter of national interest to employ no one less than former Ferrari Formula One team boss Jean Todt aka Mr Datuk Michelle Yeoh to promote Malaysia in Europe.

While "Amazing Thailand" captivated and fascinated us, "Incredible Malaysia" seeks to astonish and astound us with our stupendous achievements (Note: "Stupendous" is defined as astonishingly great or amazing in size or greatness, nothing to do with the intellect at all).

The list of our achievements is nothing short of wow-inspiring.

* We are at press time the only country in the world with a former prime minister that has successfully started a post-retirement career as a celebrity blogger

* We are the only country in the world which has successfully transfixed an entire nation's attention on a man's ass and the penetrating instrument (whether real or manufactured) and hence educated an entire generation on sex, notwithstanding that the focus is mainly on backside sex (this explains why we have done away with Sex Education in Schools. Students invariably fall asleep due to boredom during such trial classes)

* Our higher court judges, namely Federal and Court of Appeal judges, are the first to toe the line in adhering to 1 Malaysia, a unity concept mooted to unite Malaysians on all fronts. The patriotic judges have without fail come up with unanimous decisions on cases that have political implications. By speaking with one united voice and not allowing dissenting judgments, they have effectively forestalled any backdoor power grab by power-hungry Opposition politicians. Such display of judicious discretion is rare and is a testament of their loyalty without question to the Second, Third and Fourth Precepts of the Rukun Negara – Loyalty to King and Country, Upholding the Constitution and the Rule of Law. Under such circumstances, independence of the judiciary does not arise. It is irrelevant.

* Sons and siblings of former and present politicians not surprisingly are blessed with incredible business acumen, achieving billionaire status while still in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.

* Our billion-ringgit European-made submarine can't dive/submerge/sink. However, unidentified sources blame it on the high salt content in our sea waters. Alternatively, they explained that the so-called submarine is in fact an aircraft carrier built to look like a submarine. "It was a typographical error. We apologise for the mix-up and regret the error. The clerk who committed this error has tendered his resignation." At press time, it still could not be established why we need a submarine, much less, two, in the first place.

* It is not unknown that in military circles, ghost stories abound. Malaysia is no exception. Recently, according to sources which declined to reveal themselves, several old F-5E fighter engines have suddenly grown wings and flew off to Uruguay sans pilot. Apparently, these fighter engines are distant cousins of the Uruguayan Air Force fighter engine, a twin turboprop Fairchild FH-227. You know, the one that crashed in the Andes on Friday the 13th of October 1972. To survive, survivors ate other survivors who had succumbed to the cold and were frozen at the time of the food preparation.

* Ghosts also apparently haunt certain law enforcement agencies. One Opposition political aide by the name of Teoh Beng Hock for unknown reasons fell to his death while at the premises of the MACC (Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission). Both sides are still quibbling over the cause of the fall and death. Similarly, a Mongolian model who allegedly never entered Malaysia somehow was found bombed to smithereens in a forest. Although the direct perpetrators were convicted, questions still arise as to the suspicious circumstances of her death. It is believed that the local press was forbidden to mention her name in case her spirit might return. Till today, no one is sure who the real culprit is and why she was exploded. Other custodial deaths, save for alleged car thief Kugan, enjoyed a quieter exit.

* Meanwhile, another celebrity blogger, better known as fugitive blogger RPK, had somehow vanished into thin air, with occasional sightings around the world. Word has it that aliens in an UFO had kidnapped him for research purposes. They had somehow identified him as being the sixth most intelligent Malaysian on earth and had wanted to study his brains. He has thus been allowed to live in luxurious surroundings and continue with his writings. His response to his son's imprisonment and alleged attempted suicide in jail is also being monitored. Government authorities meanwhile have stepped up their efforts to regain this "brain drain".

* Efforts are also seriously being made to investigate how billions of ringgit could have left the country undetected. According to unmentionable sources, government authorities are working on several theories, chief among them is the suggestion that "hidden hands" are at work using teleporters to transport the vast sum of money to safe havens overseas. Investigators are leaving no stone unturned and are investigating the whos and whys. In the midst of investigations, a secret document is leaked which hints at an impending government takeover following several politician crossovers. This leads investigators to believe that the teleported cash is used to fund the crossovers. At press time, it still could not be established whether the government referred to is the Federal Government or a state government.

Believe it or not, these events are what will save Malaysia in the coming years from lack of interest from foreign tourists. "Incredible Malaysia" will whet their appetite for unbelievable news of mysterious goings-on in Malaysia. The new tourist itinerary is expected to include the Kuala Lumpur Courts Complex, the forest in Shah Alam where remains of the Mongolian was found, Perak state, MACC building in Shah Alam, our prisons and the Sungei Besi airbase.

Even as I write, the finishing touches to our new tourism tagline – Escada's "Incredible Me" fragrance wafting straight to your nose sung to the tune of Nat King Cole's "Unforgetable" (the five-syllable "Unforgetable" is replaced by "Me-In-cre-di-ble") are being finalized. Still on the same topic, rumour has it that there is talk of a collaboration between the ministry and TV 3 to produce a TV series on the mysterious goings-on in Malaysia. The series is tentatively entitled "Kisah Benar tapi Susah Percaya di Malaysia" ("Malaysian True but Incredible Stories").

All on your (tax-payers) account, of course.

news courtesy of Malaysian Mirror