Saturday, April 03, 2010
New White Rajah
Salam Sejahtera, fellow Dignitaries of the Council, members of the New Parliament. As we convene for the First Inaugural Parliamentary Meeting for the Sovereign State of New Borneo, I'd like to first thank the Country of Malaysia for officially allowing our country to secure peaceful independence. Without which, today would not be possible.
I'd also like to congratulate all the peoples of Borneo for waiting so patiently till today for your kindness, and for having reinstated me, John Doe, as your New White Rajah. I feel deeply honored that that I was chosen to help lead your country into independence, and hope that during my short tenure of 5 years, I will be able to live up to the expectations of my ancestor, James Brooke.
For the Record, the Brooke Family was NOT a Colonizing Family. Anyone in Borneo will testify that the people insisted that the Brooke Family continued to stay, despite my family wanting to return to England. Fort Magherita shall be my official residence. And all UMNO offices shall be converted into a Dump-Site, out of severe “respect” for the Malaysian Government.
I would like to stress that I will only be serving this non-renewable-term of 5 years, after-which this position must be taken over by a local person. As first order of the day, let us peruse key points of the Constitution of New Borneo. The official name is to be called New Borneo. This is the original name of the island (unlike the Tanah Melayu crap). It comprises of 2 sovereign states of Sabah and Sarawak. I put forward the proposal to change the name from “Division 1”, “Division 2” and so on to a more inclusive name. Divisiveness is an UMNO trait, which we do not want to carry into this brand new country. Legislators, please note.
The official flower is the Rafflesia, and the official mascot will be the Orang Utan. Would Malaysia kindly note that you will have to remove your mascot, because there are NO known Orang Utans there on the Peninsular, other than the uncouth practice of delinquent and uneducated UMNO members who call each other such names. And you have merely borrowed our icon for your advertising purposes, when we remained under your colony. “Yes, You're Welcome”.
The new National Anthem is to be determined by the people. And it must not be a copy of “Terang Bulan” or “Mamula Moon”; which Negaraku is copied from. And the New National Anthem must not sound like some Military March as if Hitler was in-charge or something. Make sure it sounds better, and more romantic than “America the Beautiful”.
And now for housekeeping issues. Elections shall commence as soon as the new territories are drawn up. Each constituency shall comprise of circa 30,000 people give or take 20%. Unlike in Malaysia, where Putrajaya has 4,500, and Theresa Kok has 75,000 voters, all competing for the same voting power in Parliament. There shall be no such rubbish under New Borneo.
A new Oil Company called Borneo Petroleum Company (BPC) shall be responsible for all the oil procurement in this country. For the first 5 years under my tenure, 50% of all oil revenue will be equally distributed among the population regardless of race or creed. This new Drastic Economic Plan (DEP) is to ensure that poverty is completely eradicated once and for all. With the view that we catch up with the rest of the world. After-which, we will allow the forces of Laissez Faire take over. It will be a Free-Economy. There shall be no taxes for the next 20 years to spur creativity, businesses, and entrepreneurship. Foreign investors are however, still subject to Taxes, but this will in turn be fed directly for Healthcare purposes (see below).
The new currency shall be called the Borneo Dollar. It shall be pegged to the Singapore and Brunei Dollar, over a linear slope over the next 5 years. One thought just occurred to me though, with Singapore, Sabah and Sarawak out of the picture now, should Malaysia be renamed Malaya? Just a thought... just a thought...
ALL illegal logging shall be banned. Anyone so much as cut down a tree shall be Jailed. However, we will make tree-replanting compulsory, and the information shall be made public at all times. OSA, ISA, and so on, were dark chapters of our Colonized past. Never to be repeated. Sandakan, Kudat, KK, Miri, Bintulu, and Kuching shall be made Free Ports, and a new Naval Base will be set up in Lahad Datu to combat the terrorists streaming from the Sulu and Mindanao areas. On this note, I would like to stress that National Service will be in effect. And the Elite Forces shall be called “Borneo Rangers”; a Tribute to the past and Glorious “Sarawak Rangers”. Nepalese Gurkha's, SAS, and US Marines will be brought in to train the rookies.
I leave the locals to decide what to do with Bakun (the fiasco) Damn Dam. The Damn Bakun Dam has caused irreversible damage to the environment. Not to mention the amount of corruption. And the 10,000 People, whose homes the Malaysian Government destroyed. The second damn dam lies in Bario. Where it worked for only 5 minutes the first day it was built. This came at a staggering cost of RM14 million for a small Hydroelectric Damn Dam. This was 14 years ago, and the Kelabits who live there stil do not have electricity, other than personal Generator sets.
Fuel, by the way was RM8.50 per litre in 2005. This is ridicuous. Especially for a state which produces oil. No longer will fuel in New Borneo be 20% more expensive than the Peninsular. Fuel will remain at ONE Borneo Dollar per litre for the next 20 years. However, during this time, we shall also explore other sustanable fuel alternatives. Such as Solar, and harnessing Wave-Technology to generate electricity. Petroleum based cars shall also be replaced by Electric Cars soon. New Borneo will host the Largest Electric Car Manufacturers in the World.
Schools shall be completely free. And New Universities shall be setup, and we will import the best lecturers and teachers from Harvard, Cambridge, Oxford, and the likes of such Ivy League Schools. There will be NO marking-on-a-curve. However, if you fail three times, you will be expelled from the Education system. You, the people of Borneo will have to be strong. You will have to be brave. In a meritocratic country, there is no safety-net to save your butt. If you fail, you will fail. (The unemployed will have to register with the Department. They will be given temporary Food Vouchers, but they must also show that they have gone for interviews, at least twice a week.) There will also be free Healthcare. Again, doctors will be imported from the best Medical Research Centers from France, Japan, and so on.
On the issue of religion, there shall be NO official Religion in Borneo. Religion is a personal belief, and should stay that way. No Government Official shall impose his religion on others. No one shall use his “religiosity” to circumvent academic achievements. Civil Servants will be Civil SERVANTS. They shall never be Civil LORDS like those in Malaysia. Again, three warnings, and you will be fired. Every Civil SERVANT works FOR the Public. NOT the other way around. Just like different family members living under the same roof having different religion, we, the People of New Borneo shall too. Ketuanan anything is illegal in New Borneo.
As the third Largest Island in the world, we strive to be the third largest Economy in the world. In principle, with the immediate distribution of 50% oil revenues, New Borneo achieves First World Status Overnight. (ok, maybe we need to build a few more infrastructures to qualify)
New Borneo is not interested in building Phallic monuments. She wants progress. She wants a future, and she definitely does not want glorified Space Tourists prancing around town. You want to be a Space Tourist? Go pay for it yourself. Don't use government (aka the people's money) to do it. After all, they have Budget-Space-Tours now.
Final word, the words “Bumiputra”, “Ketuanan” and “Race”, with immediate effect are deemed “bad words”. On par with other “bad words” like FUCK, Pukimak, and so on. Use sparingly; preferably not at all.
Thank You Ladies and Gentlemen, please have a good rest. Much merriment is in store for you, and enjoy your new Found Freedom.
God Bless New Borneo
Signed John Doe
New White Rajah
courtesy of malaysia-today.net